Three semi-believable takes on Urban

After the obligatory game of will-he-or-won’t-he, Urban Meyer will be the next head football coach at Ohio State University. Shocker, right? His decision to forgo early retirement and get back into the saddle—err, horseshoe—is being met with mixed emotions. To properly gauge the state of the college football union, we’ve checked in with a few Loose Balls correspondents. First up, from Gainesville, Fla., we have Albert.

OK, Big Al, the floor is yours…

Albert: Hey Urb, just wanted you to know that you’re no better than that turd from Tuscaloosa, Nick Saban. Actually, “The Nicktator” may have even had more tact than you, ya two-faced sonuvabitch. Weren’t we supposed to grow old together? I mean, come on, weren’t your six years in the Swamp, the best of your life? OK, I got that off my chest. Urb’s tenure was sublime, really. Nothing could replace those two national championships, but this wasn’t the way it was supposed to turn out. When he ditched Utah, it was supposed to be for a final coaching destination. After the first flip-flop in 2009, though, I started to have second thoughts. People outside the Gator Nation kept telling me Urb was being a prima donna, that his indecision about his future was Favre-esque. I couldn’t listen to them. It had to be more than that; it had to be his desire to have peace of mind. When he stepped down, I assumed he would be gone for a significant amount of time. After all, wasn’t the grind of a major college program too much to stomach? But, no, he’s already back, and with Ohio St., the program we throttled for the first championship. The grass isn’t always greener on the other side. No way he’ll have the same success up there. Here’s to years of heartache in Columbus, Urb!

Whoa, whoa. Someone sound like a jilted lover. It’ll be alright, Alberto. The Will Muschamp era has just begun! Oh, wait, that’s right, it’s off to a bit of an inauspicious start; something about an awful offense and no quarterback.

ANYWAY, back to our other Urban correspondent, Bro Buckeye…

Bro: Say it with me, “O-H-I-O, O-H-I-O, Ohiiiiiiiio.” Yeah, suck it, Gator Nation, because there’s no nation like the Buckeye Nation. You know what this means, right? We’re back! Sure, Michigan may bragging rights this year, but it was just a momentary setback. Coach Meyer is bringing back a few championships to C-Bus, and it won’t be long before people start uttering Urban in the same breath as Woody around here. Tressel was great, but Urban beat SEC schools on a week-to-week basis.  He’s going to bring some Florida speed and that whacky spread offense to the B1G. Watch out, things are about to get real. Can’t wait to see Braxton do work next year, son. Those punks up at that school in the North think they have turned the tide. Do they really think Meyer-Hoke will be like Woody-Bo? That’s just an Urban legend. Another ten-year war, my ass. Urban’s going to have them singing “Carmen Ohio” from sea to shining sea. Can’t wait to see Coach Meyer tomorrow’s basketball game against Duke. It’s going to make the Miami Heat’s Welcome Party look harmless. YES. WE. DID. URBAN!!!!!!!!!!!!

My take: Slow down there, Bro. No reason to get premature with those wild expectations. Meyer, however, will be really successful at Ohio St. It’s kind of a perfect storm, really. He’ll bring some athletes up from Florida, play that crazy spread, maybe even find a new messianic figure to stick behind center. Watch out, though, Buckeyes. You’re hiring Larry Brown 2.0. He’s never going to be comfortable in one place for more than a few years. Ohio St. is Meyer’s fourth stop in a decade, and you know it won’t be his last. After a modicum of success in Columbus, he’ll be gone, off to the next stop, wherever that may be. Dick Vermeil he is not. For Meyer, coaching is a drug. He’ll never be able to kick it. So he’s back, Ohio St, and it’s going to be a successful few years. But something else will call eventually. Coaching Touchdown Timmy in the NFL, perhaps?