Vicodin, love and other drugs

As time slips by, and my memory bank becomes cluttered, it has become increasingly evident that things are going to blur together. My college social life was not filled with individual parties, for example; it was one giant bash. There are events, of course, that are going to resonate more than others, and those particular memories are how we contextualize our pasts.

Like, this one night during my sophomore year. I don’t remember the totality of the evening; I just remember that before we went out, my buddy Brad washed down two Advil with a Miller Lite. For full disclosure, if memory serves me correct, we were sharing a six pack. 

I remember thinking, “Damn, that was incredibly stupid, dude.” 

Robert, our friend who watched the whole scene, shared my sentiment. But he definitely said something to him, because there was a half-hour long debate on whether Brad would become a “statistic.”

He didn’t, of course. And, truthfully, it was the last time I thought about mixing booze with pain medication.

Well, until the closing days of my college career, at least. There was this incident that took place at the final party I attended as an undergraduate. Because some of us were sensing our college mortality, there was definitely a weird vibe permeating the barely lit basement. What I didn’t know was that the party would double as one of those unforgettable memories and a night-long PSA for the dangers of alcohol. 

The night started off rather innocuously, in fact. Shots were poured, someone’s—probably my—manhood was challenged, and shots were imbibed. Standard fare at The Speakeasy. 

For whatever reason, I wasn’t interested in tailing along with my friends on this particular evening. Perhaps it was because, after four years of shared experiences, I already knew what their nights would be like. Brad would be bubbly and charming, and would do so while exposing all three of his chest hairs; Robert would find some way to stir the pot; Ted and Erin would dance, get into some kind of fight, resolve their issues, and be tucked into bed by 1 a.m. 

These storylines had played out so many times. 

With this in mind, a few of us decided to find some new blood. And I have to say, the following conversations were pretty forgettable. Three of us—Brad, Jordan and myself—had, after a few minutes of bouncing around, decided to talk to a girl wearing a blue dress. 

Quickly, we found out some interesting nuggets that helped make the following events make sense: she was a freshman, she appeared—and it was shortly confirmed—to be quite intoxicated and she had taken pain medication. This, ladies and gentleman, was the recipe for a shit show. 

Knowing this, I decided to proceed with caution, but I have to admit that I was intrigued by the whole scene. No, I had no real aesthetic interest in this girl, and I had no grand plan of seduction for someone I would probably never talk to again. That’s not really the way I operate. I had a sneaking suspicion, however, that something ridiculous would happen, because she kept mentioning the pain pills. 

And, boy, I was right. 

Brad would soon leave our little group, which if you know him is hardly surprising, because the man is a social butterfly. He had to spread his wings, I suppose. If anything exciting were to happen, it would have to be with Pain Pills (the girl) and Jordan. Now, with a clearer head—sans booze—I would have left immediately. Sure, some funny shit wouldn’t have happened, but Jordan could have used the one-on-one time. 

Instead, our trio stayed in tact as we bounced around the house, usually with Jordan bringing up the rear. This caused there to be some questioning of intentions. Now, I’m a little hazy on what immediately followed; however, I do know that certain people—Liam and Zach (enter laughs here)—were trying to forcibly detach Jordan from our mini-group. 

This certainly irked Jordan who was clearly interested in “trying” some Pain Pills, if you catch my drift. Again, this is where I should have exited stage left, though if I had, we wouldn’t have witnessed something unforgettable. 

Realizing that we had gone outside, Jordan focused on the target and made his move. There was one small problem, though. Taylor, another friend, was standing on the front porch and was in the way. Whether this was intentional or just mere coincidence, she’d have to tell you. But let’s just say, Jordan didn’t really give a damn, and he decided to shove her out of the way. 

Somehow—wait, no, it was definitely because he wasn’t drinking—Liam was able to lunge towards Taylor and make a perfect catch. It was a pretty surreal moment; I mean, mild-mannered Jordan Wood had just pushed someone down the stairs. If this wasn’t amazing enough, once we had decided to go inside, he jogged over to a tree, bent to one knee and crossed himself.

I almost lost it. Now, I fully support his attempts to be outgoing, and with a little more foresight, I would have done some more facilitating. But this was so over-the-top. Unfortunately, his quest would ultimately be cut short. You see, once Pain Pills made it inside, her condition had deteriorated to the point that she needed to rush to the bathroom. Kids, I hope you learned a lesson today: Never drink your body weight in Vodka after taking pain medication. 

As Jordan arrived, and subsequently surveyed the situation, he quickly realized that his lady friend was no longer there. No, love would have to wait until a later date. The big group that was assembled made sure that she and her friends made it home safely. We all felt bad that Pain Pills had lost her lunch, but now we had another story for anytime we felt like taking a stroll down memory lane. 

We’re going to get further away from that party, because time is always moving forward. Some of our collective memories of the following days and weeks are probably gone, in fact.

But, no worries, we’ll always be able to say, “Remember that one time Jordan gave Taylor the People’s Elbow…”

P.S.: We actually saw Pain Pills in July. It took me a while to remember who she was, but once I did, I laughed pretty hard. I kept saying, “The Return of Pain Pills!” Taylor thought this was pretty hilarious, and to her credit, so did Pain Pills. (Mackenzie, I believe) She was a good sport. And yes, Jordan was still interested. So if anyone finds this girl again, you need to set her up with him. Still looking out for you from the Sunshine State, Woody!